Parrotheads or Why Don't We Get Drunk and Be Huge Douches

Okay, before I even get into this post, let's make one thing clear: Jimmy Buffett's music sucks. He is the Tropical Yani, making the most bland, banal, repetitive music that he can possibly create. That said, I must give the man a great deal of credit for selling his image and ideas better than most musicians of the last fifty years. Most bands would kill to have a fan base as large and dedicated as Buffett's. But then again, most bands would want to make sure their their entire fan base isn't the biggest group of douches ever assembled.

This, dear reader, is a Jimmy Buffett fan, a.k.a. a Parrothead:

I know it's just a computer image but

feel free to punch him in the face.

The Parrothead is a fan of Jimmy Buffett and the life style he sells through his music. If you'd never heard a Buffett song before in your entire life (lucky you), you could take a look at the guy above and you'd probably guess that Buffett writes music about getting drunk, eating too much, acting childish, and making an ass of yourself and doing it all with a faux-tropical attitude. Good guess.

Your average Parrothead falls into one of two major categories of people.  The first type, displayed above, is a middle-aged Baby Boomer Parrothead. More than any other aspect of Buffett's music, the Boomer Parrothead is drawn to the Peter Pan, never grow up mentality. Apparently that involves having the fashion sense of a five year old clown and hitting on co-eds half their age. They like to pretend they "party" by having a couple of beers and dancing poorly. But for them, a couple of beers is the maximum they can handle and by the third they're puking everywhere. Ultimately if they could, they would give it all up and lie on a beach some where, just eating and drinking for the rest of their days. Sounds nice in theory but in the real world that's what's known a worthless, homeless slug.

WARNING: Staring at this image maybe harmful to your dignity.

The second type of Parrothead is the Ultra-Lame Frat Boy (ULFB) Parrothead. Now, I know you're thinking, "But Paul, aren't all frat boys lame?" To a certain extent yes, they are all lame. But the type of frat boy I'm writing about is the goatee sporting, Abercrombie wearing, prematurely balding dude who been accused of date rape several times. This is the type of guy who starts every story with "I was so wasted..." and then calls you "Bro" before slamming a Corona and humping the leg of the next woman they see all while playing Ultimate Frisbee. Much like their Boomer Parrothead counterparts the ULFB Parrothead would prefer to be lazy and contribute nothing except poor taste and to that overwhelming smell of vomit.

And a final reminder, their is no dignity to be found in a Hawaiian shirt.